Another Rainy Day

Well, here I am in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Day 18-its raining. I think we've had about 3 sunny days since we've been back from getting married. I've been staring at a computer screen all day, and frankly, I can't give a damn anymore. I began my official "job hunt" yesterday, after taking a little over 2 weeks off-as in, no work, no school, no wedding planning. It was nice while it lasted. Lance and I did a lot of sitting around, resting, watching movies, tv shows online, running errands, taking care of business, cooking, eating, and enjoying each other's company. Lance returned to work yesterday, and I've been writing cover letters and filling out applications for the last 3 days. It sucks. I can't blame it all on our crappy economy. Honestly, I feel unqualified for many jobs and fear I won't get a second glance from those looking over my resume. Yes, I now have a Bachelor's degree....in Psychology...I'm wondering where that can take me. I don't think very far, besides the fact that I served 4 1/2 years at a public university. Everyone tells me that it shows people that I can commit and finish something. I sure hope someone sees that in me. 

I've always been handed jobs, in a really great way, its been quite a blessing. I've never applied for a job or had an interview. I've literally been hired on the spot or through word of mouth since I was 15. And now that I have a diploma, I'm having to sell myself and stretch my qualifications for someone to even consider giving me a call for an interview. 

All this to say, I'm tired of looking at a computer screen, tweaking yet another cover letter and trying to prove to someone out there in the world that I can do it if they just give me a chance. That's all I want, a chance to talk to someone and let them know that I won't let them down, that I'll work my ass off, if they just give me a chance.

Not Such A Great Day...

All I have to say is that I feel like an emotional wreck. This morning I woke up freezing, not wanting to get out of bed and change clothes and head to another full day of classes. But I did. Being apart from Lance continues to be a daily struggle-as our communication and understanding of each other and needs continues to fail. So that didn't really help either-us still dealing and adjusting to this situation and just wanting this season to be over. It's literally a day to day thing-which is freaking draining.

So after getting some bad grades back on math homework and quizzes (I'm in multivariable calculus-Note: I haven't taken calculus in 4 years), I was relieved to know that my psych lab was cancelled for the afternoon-seeing that we have a test in that class on Thursday. So I headed off to run some errands, get a call from Lance-which I proceeded to blow up the conversation by needing to talk about a situation AGAIN. 

With all the stress building up in my body, I figured a run would help counter-act the stress hormones that would soon be egging on my fat cells. I start out with a quick pace (well, quicker than normal) and am trying to talk through all my feelings, frustrations and thoughts with God, wondering what to do with all the disrest and helplessness I feel in me. I'm running along and come up to some houses that have dogs, I know this because they ALWAYS bark at me from behind their cages. Well today, this little chiuahua was out in its yard and I had just observed it tormenting a cyclist. I thought to myself-what an f'ing dumb little dog. I find it so annoying and irresponsible for owners to let their dogs, whatever size they may be, run around and terrorize neighbors or passerbyers. 

As I approach the yard, the dog runs full speed ahead at me, hair standing up along its spine, barking with all its vocal cords can handle, ALL THE WAY up to me, where I proceed to slow down, yell and clap at him before he takes a chunk out of my ankle. I HATE DOGS. So he finally runs off-hopefully seeing me as the "bigger dog," and I pray for my heart beat to go back down-as I'm a bit overwhelmed at this point-having not run in a while, plus being attacked by a vicious turd of a dog. 

The whole way to the turn around point I'm thinking about killing that dog-drop kicking it, taunting it into the road to be run over by a car, running over it myself, I don't care-I just don't want it to come snarling after me nipping at my heels-I don't want to have to take the time to sue its owners over a bite. So I turn around and head back home, hoping that its owners have put it inside by now, or that its found something better to do with its time than risk its life by chasing after an innocent runner. 

But no, it hasn't gone far. It proceeds to run after me-all while its owner is yelling at it to come back. I have to slow down again-and yell at this dog and clap my hands at it to get it to back off. What the hell is wrong with this napoleonic complex of a dog?! It's owner yells to me, "That's right, yell at him!" I tell her that I don't want it to get hit. But I lied, I do want this dog to get hit. What I meant to say to her was, "I don't want to have to kill him." 

Well, not even 1 minute after this episode does a loud, pimped out car race beside me and flick me off. I can't believe it. I've gotten hollers, waves, and whistles, but NEVER a middle finger. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of punk-asses getting away with being mean to freaking innocent strangers. I throw my arm up with a bird flying high. This car sees it and slams on its breaks and puts the car in reverse. All I can think is that I'm going to have to a) cuss someone out, or b) take a bullet. What have I gotten myself into. Thankfully, they pull back just enough to pollute my breathing air by burning thier tires before they turn down a road. All I can think is that they're waiting for me to kill me on down the road.

So what in the world happened today? Why is there so much evil? I got in from my run and went straight down to the basement to cry it out. It felt like Satan was really after me today, trying to pull Lance and me apart, discouraging me about school, and making me fear my life through a potential dog attack and gang drive by. Needless to say, I'm drained. I pray for protection, because I feel attacked right now. I wierdly look forward to tomorrow-when I will try a new running route, be sure not to wear red pants for fear of those punks recognizing me, and hopefully do alright on my math exam. May God pour out His grace upon me and keep me safe in all I do. His mercies are new every morning, and for that I am thankful.

Bigger Than 326 Miles

As Lance and I have been apart now for 2 1/2 weeks, we have definitely had our moments. When this season of us being apart started, I had the attitude that I would just get through it and there was nothing to be learned or good to be taken from it. Well, as it turns out, I was wrong. God is bringing a lot of things to the surface in our relationship and in me through this situation. 

It's a hard thing to believe that where I am right now is the best for me. All I could think was, how can being apart from my love be any good? How can not getting love in the form I need and want be good? How can something that brings pain be good? As I addressed in a previous post, I've been concerned about not feeling loved-seeing that quality time and physical touch are my main avenues for recieving and feeling love. Though Lance tells me that he loves me and misses me, I've had a hard time making this head knowledge heart knowledge while us being apart. In not being able to really grasp hold of the fact that Lance loves me, I became insecure in our relationship, full of fear and anxiety, that we were growing apart. I wanted these couple months before our wedding to be a time of connection; preparing together for this marriage-not feel alone and stranded. 

I talked with Carol Jean, a wise woman who, with her husband, is taking us through pre-marital counseling. I expressed to her my concerns and all that I was feeling and processing, and asked if she had any thoughts as to what was going on at a deeper heart level. She said that it seemed that God is teaching me to trust Lance's words. While I don't have all the cuddly touch and time, I do still have him. God wants to show himself strong in me. 

CJ shared Proverbs 31:11, "The heart of her husband trusts in her...." She explained that he has this trust because of her trust in him. This is exactly what God wants, He's using this situation to teach me to trust Lance in every way, and to support and encourage him in that-him knowing that I trust him and have confidence in him and our relationship-and that leading to his confidence and peace that I am behind in 100%. 

So in and through all this, I am praying hard for trust, that God saturates my heart with it and that I will soak it up like a sponge. It's wierd when God starts to change your heart and break habits and remove things that you've known for many years. I sometimes don't feel like myself, and many times am surprised by my reactions to situations (in a good way), and wonder, who am I? That's not how I normally would act or something I would say. It is uncomfortable and sometimes leaves my head spinning and at the same time, comforting, knowing that it is God changing me for the better, that this will go on for the rest of my life here on earth. 

So on one hand, it excites me, knowing that God is making me a better Catherine-a better helper for Lance, a better friend, daughter, and sister. On the other hand its a bit unnerving, and crazy that God is rewriting my history, that He's constantly renewing me. As Carol Jean put it, God is doing great things on this side of marriage to prepare me better for the other side of marriage. Its a comfort to have her wise, understanding, encouraging words, that what I am feeling is legit, and not just me being a dumb, emotional girl. That what God is doing in me is real and good. He is good. He is smart. He know's what He's doing. 

Learn, Grow, Change

Lance is in Tuscaloosa, AL now. We've been apart for about 4 days. It's had its ups and downs, and has proven to be harder than I had imagined it would be.

The reality is, that my best friend, my love, my partner, the man I am tied to-soul to soul, is apart from me. It feels like half of me is missing and I'm a bit lost around Clemson right now. 

But God blessed me with a bit of optimism the other night, that every day we are apart means the closer we are getting to being together for the rest of our lives. It helps to think about it that way, though that doesn't necessarily replace the ache in my heart.

But God is showing me what I do have here in Clemson-roommates, people from House Church, random people from school, and much to my surprise-the comfort of family. 

Though I am a huge "quality time" and "physical touch" person, and that is how I recieve love, I'm learning to see and feel love in new ways. It honestly scared me (and still does a little) that I would not feel loved in these 2 1/2 months apart. But God is revealing to me that Lance's words, his quick calls during the day, his texts, or a short email to check on me or send me a fun link-things that I seemed to have taken for granted while he was physically by my side, now have become a highlight to my day-and a source for love to flow through. I am learning to value the things Lance says to me, to trust in his words, and be confident in his love, even though we can't spend time together and he can't hold my hand. 

I am learning that love takes all forms and that God has to open our eyes sometimes for us to see it, and change our heart for us to accept it as love. I am thankful for the transformation going on in me. Just like the pruning of a tree-it is not painless, but I know that I will bear much more fruit and be more beautiful after this season.

Reality

So, as seen in my previous post, I've struggled with some stuff for a few years now, having a few small seasons of strength to fight for joy and hope. As school started up again for my last semester of college ever, hopelessness, despair, and anxiety slipped in again. I found myself having mental, emotional, and spiritual breakdowns left and right.

After much prayer and encouragement from my beloved, I called CJ, a wise, loving woman in Texas who partners with her husband, Hollis, in taking Lance and me through pre-marital counseling. She has been a source of wisdom, understanding, and encouragement for me through the last few months. But this last time I talked with her, we delved into an area that I really had never gone with anyone. My struggle with defeat and hopelessness, and how I had been taken over by it since school started again. We were not looking at the surface stuff that everyone tries to bring to my attention- the reality that yes, school will end, yes, I will get married, yes, I will get a job and make money- we were searching for the heart issue, what is holding me back from believing that this is only a season and that God is good, and working through all things for the better.

All this to say, CJ, Hollis, Lance, and I met on the phone the next night, for something I have never experienced and will never forget. Hollis talked with me about generational sin-that there was worry, anxiety, and hopelessness in my family, that has passed down through generations, and has never been addressed and shut out. He walked me through a prayer, of declaring Christ's dominion over these sins, of casting them into the abyss, and spoke of the image of Christ's blood covering that door to never be opened again. 

Freedom. True freedom. We are new creatures in Christ, we are children of the light, of beauty, of life. It hit me in a very real, tangible way, of why the only way to true life is through Christ, and how it was so necessary for His death- His blood shed for our sins, so that we may truly live. 

Certainly life is not without struggle, and I must continue to fight the enemy's lies that he so often tries to feed me. But there is a new confidence in me, a new strength that has entered in, knowing that all those things have been thrown into the abyss to never surface again. It is a comfort, a peace, a freedom, a reality of Christ's love that surrounds me, mind, body, soul, spirit. Sure I still have a bad attitude towards things, I still have rough days, I am still extremely emotional and irrational sometimes, but I am not defeated, Christ has overcome the world and given me hope and peace, like nothing I have ever experienced before. 

As Lance spoke last night, about the Spirit in us, and how it is a powerful living thing, a life source, something that affects others, that has the ability to conquer and love, it excited me, that the Spirit lives in us as believers, and works through us. Talk about Power. 

I look forward to the rest of this semester at House Church, and I look forward to Tuscaloosa, AL and the people that I will meet there, the people that Lance and I will be able to pray over and pray for and be in community with. For the ways that the Spirit is working in us and through us currently and for the rest of our lives, I look forward to experiencing it. 

The First of the Last

Today is the first day of my last semester at Clemson University, in college, participating in any type of academia (at least I hope). Getting to this point has been a major battle for the last 4 going on 5 years. Though I have not enjoyed being in college, it has been an unforgettable, priceless experience. Fighting my tendency to quit because something is too hard, because I'm not motivated or because I'm not completely thrilled about the subject matter.

I have learned that just because something doesn't come naturally to you, doesn't mean God doesn't call you to do it. For so long I have had the attitude that if something was right for me it would be easy, and if it was hard, then I was doing the wrong thing, and I would quit. Wow, what a way to come at life and get nowhere fast while feeling hopeless and discouraged most of the time.

It has taken my family's kind and hard words, thier finances, student loans, a semester off, counseling, many tears, prayers, honest friends, 3 summers filled with school, 3 different schools, 4 different majors, living in an airstream on a pond, 4 and a half years in classrooms, and me learning to see who God has made me to be and His continued shaping of me, to get me through this large season in my life.

What I take away from this huge experience is not what I learned in my classes, because honestly, I can't say much for going through 4 majors-none of which I have passion for. What I take away is life-long friendships, new family, learning how to love, how to be intentional, relational, how to push through something that is hard and that I hate, how to trust that God has a bigger plan and that at all times He provides, that change is good and He is always shaping us for better, that in the words of my mother, "God never wastes a hurt," and to "allow yourself grace."

So looking back and looking forward, no matter how much I hate that I am on campus right now, about to go to a class in a couple hours, no matter how many times I regret taking time off from school causing me to finish later than my close friends, I would not change a thing. God is breaking a habit in me, to push through something that feels so unnatural, calling me to do things that are hard. He slowed me down to heal my broken heart and spirit-it is all for good. Sure its hard being on a different time schedule/path/journey than the average American college student, but it is the specific adventure God picked out for me. He has blessed me beyond belief-transforming my mind and heart daily, teaching me how to love, and how to recieve love, brought to me my future husband to walk beside for the rest of my days, and given me joy and hope for the future and all that is to come.

I Think, Therefore I Am

Well that sucks. Arg, another slip of the tongue, tainted by a slip of the mind. After some reflection and reading through my past posts and my personal journal, I think I'm negative, no wait, I know I'm negative. It's something that I've always struggled with, though not very deliberately or intentionally. Mostly, I've just brushed it off. After years of covering it by humor, sarcasm, spouts of depression, and my mom and man calling me out on it, its in the forefront of my head. I hate it, a hatred that runs as deep as my hatred for school...or do I hate school because I'm a pessimist. Where's the line?

I'm not sure when or where it began, but after a series of "unfortunate events" in my life, to be cliche, I had no hope, no joy. I tried talking with people, but found I was less than honest about the way I felt. I tried reading books, but found John Piper to be over my head. And in the end, turned out to be a depressed, angry girl, blaming God.

I began to believe that God doesn't want good things for us, that He really doesn't want to bless us, and the cards He deals us, is it, and we just have to get through it. I felt no control, and I did not fight for it, but in it, I gave up, I didn't know what joy was anymore, and I especially didn't know how to fight for it, and hold on for dear life. For years now, I have given into Satan's lies, that life sucks, I have no choice, and well, everything just sucks.

I'm tired of feeling this way, tired of thinking this way, tired of my mind being consumed with hopeless, depressing thoughts. I want life. I want joy. I want hope. In being a believer, I KNOW I am free, that I am no longer a slave to sin, in bondage. But I do not feel it very often. I do not fight the lies in my head with truth the Lord has taught me.

In the past 4 or so years, I know that God has blessed me, I just don't think about it very often-I'm normally focusing on the crap at hand, and how things will never get better. He has brought me out of hard situations, blessed me with amazing friends who have become family, brought me to my future husband, led me through darkness and given me glimpses, when I choose to recognize them, of how He wants me to live. He has given me life, and I have failed recognize His hands in every situation. That makes me angry, that I am blind so many times. Maybe that's it. Life is a journey, we all have different roads, some intersect for a little while, some forever. I fall down a lot, I am a slow learner, and yes, Satan masks the eyes of my heart sometimes.

God wants us to live abundantly joyful. I want His love for me to explode out of me, to consume me, for Him to grow my spirit so that when I interact with people, that is what they bump into. God wants good things for me, He blesses me daily, without Him, I would not be here, in school, 12 hours from graduation, getting married, and recognizing that I can fight, I am not defeated, I have a choice, and have LIFE. Sure situations suck. I don't like that Lance still doesn't have a job and that he is at a standstill-I don't like that we're not married, that he'll be moving away. I don't like my job, and I really don't like still being in school. I don't like being in Clemson, SC, especially when loved ones are moving away. But God is GOOD in everything. I hope and pray that He would saturate my brain with that statement. When I feel like all hope is lost, there is a bigger picture and God is BIG and LOVE and BLESSES. He is LIFE.